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It’s the last day of August. I should keep my streak going of blogging at least once a month. Unfortunately, that is all I’ve been blogging, once a month. But, I have news. News means I have something to talk about.
There has been slight break-through in the forward momentum of the documentary.

Come October, I will be able to shoot some more footage of the amazing Master Tu. The current plan is for him to do some painting, play the flute, and push my car with a spear. Granted to make it more fun, he will be painting while standing atop two cartons of eggs. He will push the car with the spear when the spear point is pressed against the soft spot in his throat. He’s also going to bend a bar by beating it with the back of his fist. He’s going to throw some chop sticks through a wall. With the wall, we’re going to start with drywall, progress through to wood, and hopefully put a few chopsticks through a piece of steel. I can’t wait to see that.

While I’ve been waiting to do more filming, I’ve enrolled in some Qigong classes in Arcadia. Yes, I’m now taking classes from Master Tu. I’ve been taking the classes three times a week for the past month. I have no idea what I’m doing.

On the one hand, the classes are incredibly complex. On many occasions, Master Tu has simply lectured for the majority of the two hour class. He’s talked about the six healing breaths. He’s demonstrated some Chinese Medicine techniques complete with wild herbs he picked himself. There has been a lot of talks about the meridians that course through the body and how they connect with the various organs.
Through it all, he’s peppered the talks with personal anecdotes about his life and his training. I heard stories about showdowns with people who have tried to steal the name of his clubs complete with mano a mano contests involving kicks to the balls. I’ve heard about Lao Tzu and the eight immortals. His discussions have quite the breadth to them.

When he isn’t talking, we are doing stretching and breathing exercises, putting into practice the things he talks about in his discussions.

From afar they don’t look that tough. You start with making circular motions of your arms while you visualize pulling Qi up from the earth and into your body. Then you stand in what’s called a horse stance. You shift your weight from left to right, all the while breathing in a very controlled manner. You touch the floor while you straighten your legs. You hold your breath. You make a move like an archer while turned to the side. You breathe some more. By the end of an hour of this, it doesn’t seem as easy as it looked from behind the camera.

Master Tu adds his twist to a Qigong regime by adding in some weight training. Behind the studio where we stretch and breathe is a set of modern weight lifting equipment you would find in any gym. Amongst the modern equipment are pieces that Master Tu has built. He’s hung several logs from a new portico he built behind the studio. The object is to toughen your self by slamming your body against the logs. There are rings hanging from the ceiling from which you can do sadistic push ups. Several stands have bean bags on them which you hit to strengthen your hands. It’s quite the complete workout adventure.

I’ve also taken the plunge into the world of Iron Crotch. Once or twice a week, the men take a break from the class and head off into the Iron Crotch room leaving the women behind to continue their Qigong practice.
Iron Crotch or Jiu Jiu Shen Gong is Master Tu’s special brand of Martial Arts and it’s deceptively simple. We do some stretching. We massage our legs. Then, we take silk and Nylon clothes and attach to our manhoods. We use the clothes to lift weights.

On the one hand, it’s very embarrassing. On the other, it’s stupidly competitive. Sure you’re naked from the waist down with a pair of modified shorts covering your privates and you are surrounded by other men in similar straights of undress. But those other guys are lifting so much more than you are lifting. In some cases ten times as much as you. And they are older than you. And they are in better shape than you. It’s enough to cause you to shrivel right up.

If I had my way I wouldn’t go near that room unless I had a camera in my hand. But since I am there, I am not going to be the weakest guy in the room when it comes to lifting with my penis. My brain is still trying to reconcile these two competing thoughts.

I’ve taken in quite a lot of knowledge over the course of the last few months. But I have the sneaking suspicion I’m only getting about a tenth of the information I should. It all comes down to language.

As part of the class, I get a translator. But these are not paid translators. They are merely students who have been elected to help out. And bless them for that. But it’s a tough job for them. Not only are they trying to understand Master Tu’s lectures, but they have to take these thoughts and put them in a different language than the one they are used to. If the lectures become too esoteric or they don’t know the English translations for some of the Qigong terms, the whole learning process breaks down. It’s easier for the translator to just listen and throw off a few bits of information, rather than keep everything current.
I’m glad I’m learning what I am learning. But I feel a whole bunch is slipping past me.

It’s also worse when Master Tu tells stories about me and I don’t get the translation of what he is saying. I know the stories are about me because he points at me and says my name. Then, the whole class turns to look at me. Usually there is laughter involved. I think the translators are too polite to tell me what exactly Master Tu said.

A couple of the stories had to be about my trip to Master Tu’s ranch to help him build his compound in Mariposa County. It started off innocently enough when I heard Master Tu wanted to build some stands for plants.

Master Tu wants to build a garden for medicinal plants on his property in Arcadia. He needed to build some shelves and I volunteered to help. Somehow this got misconstrued into me asking if I could help at his ranch property. Don’t ask me how. I did help with the garden project but this turned into helping him build the supports for the hanging logs and punching bags.

I drove up to his property on a Friday with my dog, Maeve. Bringing Maeve was another item in the list of mistakes I made that weekend.

Since I tend to leave early and drive fast, I arrived far in advance of the Tu’s. I think I arrived about an hour after the Tu’s were supposed to leave Los Angeles. Let’s just say I had some sitting around time.
Maeve was thrilled by the ranch. She spent the first couple of hours collecting ever burr know to man in her fur. The challenge for the rest of the weekend was removing them while she collected more. She found ponds of water that were full of rich thick mud. After one escapade in the water pond, she looked like she had put on commando paint and was heading off for deep recon in the bush.

I don’t know what the Tu’s thoughts were about Maeve, but they were gracious in their welcome. They had two cats who were very plain in their dislike for the monster in their midst. Maeve’s motto is “If it moves, I will chase it” The cats were unaware of this new rule.

I was given a spot in the communal room on the first floor. If I had brought a sleeping pad and a pillow, it would have been very comfortable. For some reason, I figured bedding would be supplied. I figured wrong. Maeve was kind enough to let me use her blanket to sleep on. I made a pillow out of my T-Shirts.

Meals were conducted in Chinese complete with a cornucopia of Chinese dishes I had never seen before. Which is good, because I am very finicky eater and love to try new things. Or not. Maeve spent a lot of time under the table during meals. Again, I don’t know what the Tu’s thought of this, but they were gracious.

The project for the weekend was a fence covering the front of the property and the installation of the main gates. I did try and help out with my knowledge, but Master Tu had a plan and we followed it. By Monday, we had most of the posts in place and painting had commenced. Master Tu and his family would come on subsequent weekends and finish the fence.

The one thing that was clear from the weekend at the ranch is that Master Tu and his family are very hard workers. If it was light out, there was work to be done. They must have dug at least twenty five post holes through a lot of rock strewn ground. Mrs. Tu spent her weekend with the weed whacker clearing acres of brush. If the Tu children weren’t hauling boards around, they were out jogging. I spent a lot of time sweating and trying to catch my breath.

Hopefully, I will get back to the ranch to do some filming of Master Tu in the natural environment. They are going back up this weekend but I have plans.

But we have a date for filming and now I can worry about that. It’s only slightly better than worrying about not filming at all.

Stay tuned.